Last Updated on February 24, 2025 by Angela Vaz
Trigger Warning: This is a very personal post based on my own life experience. So, if the mention of abuse/violence affects you, please avoid reading this.
I had recently gone to a meetup and one of the women who was sharing her story of leaving an abusive relationship said a line that didn’t sit well with me. She said, “The minute my partner slapped me, I grabbed my daughter and left. I have absolutely no respect for women who stay in abusive marriages.”
I was very happy for her because she left her abusive marriage. But I didn’t like the blanket statement she threw out condemning women who couldn’t or didn’t leave.
It’s not always easy to leave an abusive marriage.
I know because I was in one for 4.5 years.
I did leave eventually but it took a great deal of courage and determination. I was also very, very lucky, that my online business provided me with funds to just get up and leave.
I was able to cover the deposit for a new rented apartment and pack my bags and leave with my 2 dogs.
Yes, it was hard.
But it was doable.
I know many women who don’t have that privilege, who don’t even have their own bank accounts.
That’s why I’m writing this post.
Leaving an abusive relationship isn’t as simple as people think.
From the outside, it seems clear—why not just walk away? But the truth is, it’s complicated.
Abuse isn’t just about physical violence. It’s emotional, psychological, financial. It’s a web that traps women before they even realize they’re caught.
If you’ve never been in an abusive relationship, it’s easy to judge.
You might wonder why someone would stay with a person who hurts them.
You might think they must not see the warning signs. But here’s the hard truth: many do see them.
Many know it’s toxic.
And yet, they stay. Not because they want to, but because leaving feels impossible.
Abuse works like a slow poison. It doesn’t always start with a slap.
Here are seven reasons why women stay in abusive relationships.
1. They’re Afraid
Fear is the biggest reason women stay.
Abusers don’t just hurt—they threaten. “If you leave me, I’ll find you.” “No one else will ever love you.” “I’ll ruin your life.”
Fear keeps women trapped, convincing them that leaving is more dangerous than staying.
Some women fear physical retaliation, knowing that abusers often escalate violence when they feel like they’re losing control.
Others fear losing their children, their home, or their support system.
When fear is a daily reality, staying feels like the safer choice, even when it’s not.
My ex straight up told me, “Do you know how easy it is to find you? Your morning routine is like clockwork. I know what time you walk the dogs. If someone wanted to throw acid on your face, it would be that easy.”
This terrified me to my very core.
He said many statements like this over the years and that’s why I moved to the other end of the city. I’m now in a gated community that has very tight security.
2. They’re Isolated
Abusers cut off their victims from friends and family.
They control who they talk to, where they go, and how they spend their time.
By the time the abuse escalates, many women have no support system left.
When you have no one to turn to, leaving feels impossible.
Isolation creates a cycle where the victim depends entirely on the abuser, not just for financial support but also for emotional connection.
Many women don’t leave because they feel completely alone, with no one to help them rebuild their lives.
Most abusers cut off their partner’s support system. They get mad when they talk to their parents/friends.
So we are forced to isolate ourselves to keep the peace.
This means, we don’t have any outside perspective.
I genuinely believed my situation was “normal.” It was only after I started reading articles on Quora, I began to realize my partner was very controlling and abusive.
3. They Blame Themselves
Abusers twist reality.
They make their victims feel like everything is their fault. “If you didn’t make me angry, I wouldn’t have hit you.” “If you were better, I wouldn’t have to treat you this way.”
Over time, women start believing it.
I believed that my partner punished me everytime I did something wrong.
For years after leaving the marriage, I continued to apologize to friends or family over trivial things because it was ingrained in me.
Every time I bumped into someone or spilled something, I’d profusely apologize.
When my current partner once raised his hand to adjust the car mirror, I flinched. It’s taken me years to get over the violence/abuse.
Most women think if they just try harder, love more, fix themselves, the abuse will stop.
This kind of manipulation is called gaslighting, and it distorts a person’s ability to see the situation clearly.
Many women stay because they genuinely believe they are the problem—and that leaving won’t solve anything.
4. They’re Financially Trapped
Many abusive partners control the money.
They take over bank accounts, restrict access to funds, and prevent their partner from working.
Without money, how do you escape? Where do you go? How do you start over?
My partner never let me leave the house.
That’s why I wrote online.
I took on any client I could just to make money and I built up my savings slowly over the 4.5 years I was married to him.
I built up my drawing skills, and my website-building skills just to work on my laptop and save whatever I could.
I never converted that account into a joint account even though he ran it by me many times.
I endured the countless arguments and the physical abuse just to keep that account in my name.
I let him borrow as much money as he wanted and even paid off all his credit card bills when he told me to, but I never let him have access to my account.
This was what helped me leave.
And I’m so grateful to have had parents who stood by me and supported me through all of this.
For some women, the lack of financial independence keeps them stuck.
Even if they want to leave, they worry about affording rent, food, childcare, or transportation.
Some don’t even have access to their own identification or credit cards, making financial freedom nearly impossible without outside help.
5. They Have Children
Leaving is hard enough alone.
Add kids to the equation, and it’s even harder.
Many women stay for their children, fearing what might happen if they leave. Some worry about custody battles.
Others fear their abusive partner will take revenge on the children.
Sometimes, they believe staying is the safer option.
You have to understand that laws are different in every country. Most countries still have laws that favor men despite what they do.
In some cases, abusers use children as a manipulation tool, threatening to take them away or harm them.
A mother’s first instinct is to protect her children, and sometimes that means enduring abuse to keep them safe.
6. They Still Love Them
This is the hardest one to understand.
It doesn’t apply to me but I know a friend who still loves her husband even though he hits her frequently.
She was abused by her father so she considers this abuse extremely normal.
It’s sad but this is the truth.
For many women, despite the abuse the face, love doesn’t just disappear.
Many abusers have good moments—moments of kindness, apologies, and promises to change.
Women hold on to those moments, hoping the person they fell in love with will return.
They believe the abuse is temporary, a phase, something they can fix.
The cycle of abuse often includes periods of calm, where the abuser is affectionate and remorseful.
This makes it harder for victims to leave because they convince themselves things will get better—until the cycle repeats.
7. They Have Nowhere to Go
Shelters are full.
Friends and family may not be an option.
Some women don’t even have transportation.
Without a safe place to go, they stay. It’s not because they want to—it’s because they don’t see another choice.
Leaving an abuser is dangerous, and without a concrete plan, many women feel they have no alternative but to stay.
They may fear homelessness, unemployment, or even retaliation from their abuser if they try to escape.
The question shouldn’t be, “Why don’t they just leave?” The question should be, “How can we help them leave safely?”
Understanding the reasons women stay is the first step in offering support.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, know that help is out there.
No one deserves to live in fear.
No one deserves to stay trapped.
