Last Updated on March 11, 2024 by Angela Vaz
I’ve been through 2 devastating breakups my whole life.
The first relationship lasted nearly ten years and when I found out my ex was cheating on me – I left.
The second ended when my second ex decided that he could date me no longer because his parents didn’t approve of me being a divorcee – this one hurt even more than the first.
But with each breakup, I took away the lessons I learned and focused on becoming better.
So, here’s the thing – becoming attractive is a little more than improving your looks.
Because when you get wiser, when you start thinking, when you become wiser, your face changes.
A lot.
Your eyes show how much reasoning and thinking you’re capable of, and your facial structure evolves as you use your pre-frontal cortex.
Throughout my time, I would always look at people’s faces and mannerisms and somewhat make assessments of them.
I was always almost precise.
I could look at a person and tell if they were well-read, logical, kind, or easy to talk to.
Of course, their body language and the way they spoke did contribute too.
But when I read this study on how intelligence affects faces, I started putting it all together.
Your character, your way of thinking, and the way you live your life does reflect on your face.
And call me crazy, but if your breakup has indeed broken you – there are ways to use this to your advantage.
That is why, in this post, I want to teach you how to look attractive after a breakup.
I already have an in-depth post on how to glow up after a breakup, that’s trending right now.
Do give it a read before this post.
I’m going to approach this post from a different angle – from an angle that actually helped me become more attractive – mind, body, and soul.
And yes, when you focus on the inside, it shows on the outside as well.
I’ll explain this in a bit.
Let’s dive in.
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I just want to preface this with a small example.
My first ex was a very good-looking man in college.
He was a hunk by all standards – sharp features, a beautiful smile, and very good height.
He and I started dating and I noticed all the red flags but I ignored them thinking he would change – yes, I was very naive.
With time, I noticed that this dark side of him became more prominent.
He started a lot of fights with people for silly things – he would also fight with me.
He embezzled from his own business – he constantly cheated people for their money.
His verbal arguments turned physical – and eventually, he started drawing delight from beating up anyone smaller than him, especially when he was intoxicated.
I should have left but I didn’t have the courage.
It took me a long time to leave.
But with time, even his face changed.
It evolved to become more sinister – more evil.
He also developed a lot of wrinkles around the forehead and mouth and his eyes turned vile.
I wasn’t the only one who noticed it – friends and family commented too.
There was never a shred of peace or tranquility around him. He could change the atmosphere of a room in seconds.
And although he was only 2 years older than me, he looks way older now.
I’ve also seen the opposite to be true.
People who are kind, loving, and full of wisdom have a face full of love. Their eyes have this inner light – that draws you to them and you feel very happy and excited in their presence.
After doing my degree in Psychology and Human Relationships, I started noticing this to be true everywhere.
People who were kind did have some level of beauty that couldn’t just be explained in words.
Forgive me for prattling on, but I say this because I need you to understand that make-up, cutting your hair, or buying new clothes will make you look beautiful temporarily.
But if you build habits that change the way you live and you make these habits more sustainable, you’ll start to notice a different kind of beauty.
This kind of beauty is not easy to replicate – and you’ll end up drawing people to you like flies.
So, now that you understand that there is so much more to beauty, let’s dive in and really understand how to look attractive after a breakup.
1. Let go of the pain
Do not bear revenge, hatred, or anger in your heart.
You might be going through so much sadness, devastation, anger, betrayal, etc, but let it go.
You need to understand that the relationship is over.
Don’t carry these negative emotions forward – let it all out now.
Do not try to stub it out with alcohol, shopping, over-eating or drugs.
It will provide temporary relief and the pain will come back 10X stronger – trust me.
I tried drinking and shopping and neither removed the pain – it only dulled the pain for a short while.
You need to heal.
That’s the only way you can come out of this more beautiful and more strong.
Cry.
Take a break from work and just wallow around your bedroom, sleep it off, hit a pillow, and scream into it.
Do whatever it takes to release that anger and sadness.
But know this – you are going to heal.
Every single person who has loved and lost feels like it’s the end of their life, that there’s no meaning to life because the one person that understood them and loved them is gone.
But hey, I was there.
I felt those things.
And I realized that if the person was right for me, we would still be together.
If the relationship ended – it ended for a reason.
Respect their choice of moving on and slowly let go.
Love is a decision.
2 people have to willingly wake up every day and say to each other, “I choose you.” And a relationship cannot work unless both people choose each other.
Of course, it takes time to let go, to heal.
So, take your time.
For me, it took a little over 6 months to get over that extreme emotional pain.
After that, it got really easy.
In the first few months, you’ll have about 20-30 bad days each month.
As the months go by, the bad days decrease.
It won’t go away completely, but with time and healing, it eventually becomes 0 and a day will come when you’ll realize that you haven’t thought about your ex for a whole month.
But you need to be patient.
Just like clearing up acne or losing weight – it takes time to reach that heavenly bliss.
2. Do this for yourself
Don’t try to be attractive to tempt your ex to get back with you or make them realize what they’ve lost.
This only means that you still value their opinion over your healing.
You’ve been hurt.
You’ve been scarred – you need to heal.
Focus on yourself.
You’ve put the relationship as a priority all this while.
But it’s over now – so you need to prioritize yourself.
You have to prioritize your healing, your self-love.
Do this for you.
3. Fall in love with yourself
The first step to falling in love with yourself is asking yourself what roles you play.
Realize how important you are.
You were more than just a partner to someone.
- You are someone’s child.
- You are a sibling to someone.
- You are a colleague to someone.
- You are a friend to someone.
- You are a kind neighbor.
- You are a parent.
Think of your roles and realize that there’s more to love than romantic love.
Your relationship status doesn’t dictate your self-worth.
It only means 1 thing – you are single right now.
That’s it.
And you are single because:
- You either want to be single
- Or you haven’t found the right person yet.
Both are okay and valid reasons for being single.
So stop feeling like you have to become attractive for someone else.
4. Pay attention to your physical health
Don’t feel guilty about taking care of yourself.
This is your time now.
You have the time so use it well.
People kill to have time for themselves. I remember thinking about what I would do with so much time.
And now, that I am in a healthy relationship – I can’t use up my 24 hours fast enough!
Time flies.
I’m either writing, cooking, taking care of my dogs, or spending time with my partner.
I actually have to prioritize my fitness and reading, otherwise, I won’t get it done!
So, prioritize your physical health.
Start exercising regularly, eat nutritious meals (don’t starve yourself, you’ll just lose muscle and not fat), and get enough sleep.
Just doing this much every day consistently will transform your body.
You’ll develop more muscle-fat ratio, your face will look well-rested and not puffy, and your skin and hair quality will drastically improve.
This will also make you feel better.
You’ll feel less lethargic when you’re getting good sleep and eating healthy foods.
5. Do things that make your heart sing
I have noticed one thing: If I constantly work (I love my work), I eventually burn out.
When I burn out or become overwhelmed, I am unable to exercise, I crave salty food and I just want to be a couch potato.
The key to not reaching that stage is to constantly take breaks and recharge.
This means, engaging in activities that bring you inner joy – like hobbies, art, redecorating your home, or simply taking a walk in nature.
Do whatever you’ve always wanted to do: Watch youtube videos to learn a new skill.
Play an instrument you’ve always wanted to play.
Just cuddle with your cats/dogs.
Do something that does not involve work.
Take an actual break.
Additionally – spend some quiet time being mindful:
- Meditate
- Journal
- Take a walk with no music
- Attend therapy
Just free up your mind – you’ll find so much clarity when you’re just present at the moment.
These are the moments that help your mind and body become one.
6. Focus on self-growth
Growth basically means realizing that none of us are perfect – the learning never stops and trying to remedy that by getting better each day.
It basically means becoming a better version of ourselves.
I remember thinking, “But my exes are the ones that need to improve.”
And I then started reading books – because reading about other people’s pain made me feel better and made me realize I wasn’t alone.
And that’s when I realized that I attracted what I put out.
I’m not asking you to blame yourself 100%.
That’s madness.
But take some responsibility.
- Were there signs your partner was showing that you ignored?
- Did your partner tell you or give you hints that the relationship was going to end at some point?
- Somewhere deep down, did you feel that things were not going to work out?
These are VERY difficult questions to answer.
But once I answered these myself, I could see how I had a part to play.
My first ex was extremely insecure and I too was insecure – it was a match made in heaven.
I was emotionally scarred when I attracted my second ex – which he too was.
We literally attract what we put out.
This, my sweet friend, is the reason why we need to heal before we date.
When we are unconfident, insecure, or emotionally unstable – we will attract a person who is exactly that.
When we are emotionally stable and happy being single, we attract someone who also is the same.
Learning to love yourself doesn’t mean saying, “I don’t want to date again, I’m happy on my own.”
It means learning to love yourself for whatever you are and accepting yourself for who you really are – strengths and flaws.
It also means, recognizing that you do crave a relationship and are willing to happily wait till you find it, but not placing your happiness aside and saying, “I won’t be happy till I find someone.”
No.
That’s an incredible amount of pressure to put on someone.
Your happiness should be based on you – not anyone else.
Someone else is only going to add to whatever is already there.
So, focus on self-growth.
Become a better version of yourself.
Focus on yourself now.
You can do that by drafting personal goals for yourself.
Pursuing your passions will slowly ignite a sense of purpose and accomplishment.
7. Become more confident
Confidence is not undeniably attractive.
Being confident means knowing who you are and not settling for less.
Let me explain.
Let’s say I have a list of qualities I want in a man:
- Kind, loving, and undeniably adores animals
- Loyal and finds me sexually attractive
- Is a very good communicator and is extremely open-minded
- Has the same values as me and very similar goals
Now let’s say I meet a man that has all these qualities but we differ vastly on one 1 thing – he wants kids and I don’t.
If I was not confident and I was scared of being alone or didn’t feel worthy without a partner, I’d sacrifice my wants and my happiness and date him because I’d feel I couldn’t find anything better.
But if I was confident, I’d terminate the relationship – knowing that both of us are not going to be happy after a while because we have very different versions of happiness.
There’s no fault or shade to be thrown here – 2 people have to be compatible in order to make the relationship work.
Being confident means knowing that your value doesn’t depend on anyone else’s opinion.
And when you have this confidence – you learn to speak your mind.
As I rebuilt my confidence, I started meeting very, very nice men while dating.
My filters became better with practice.
Online dating is fun – provided you learn how to be patient and analyze people before you meet them.
A few things I learned about online dating were:
- Chat for a bit to get a vibe about the person
- Ask a few questions so you can see what the person is like
- Move forward only if they are kind, accommodating, and have goals – people with goals and passions are beautiful human beings
- Meet in a public place always during the day – preferably for lunch or coffee. Keep the date simple.
- Always go Dutch – never let anyone spend on you, and likewise don’t spend on anyone on the first date.
And as you build confidence, your life starts getting better.
A few ways I was able to be more confident were:
- Start small talk with people every day (this was very uncomfortable for me to do, but I gradually got better at it)
- Go for meet-ups once a week to step out of that comfort zone
- Go for physical workshops and improve the skills you already have
- Challenge yourself physically as well
8. Enhance your appearance
Ah, the part we were all waiting for.
Sorry I took so long to reach here, but I do believe that all the other points I’ve mentioned before holding more value and actually help improve outer appearance too.
When you love yourself, become more confident, and actually have goals that you want to reach – you instantly become 100X more attractive.
You become the kind of person people want to know more about, the type of person people can’t get enough of.
But yes, we do live in a physical world.
And that means taking care of your external appearance too!
So here are some things I did that seriously worked for me:
- Wear SPF and form a nice skin routine (cleanser and moisturizer are more than enough) because taking care of your skin is important and will give you that nice healthy glow
- Develop a fashion sense you are comfortable in: From a young age, I’ve always fancied bright colors and I still wear them – a bright green teeshirt with bright pink shorts or a bright orange teeshirt with jeans and a lime green backpack. I love bright colors and people recognize me by the colors I wear! Be comfortable. Be YOU.
- Groom yourself: Get yourself a good haircut and wear perfume that matches your personality. I love chocolatey perfumes instead of floral and I constantly reapply my creams and perfumes because I love smelling like a bakery.
- Be clean: Take frequent showers, wash your hair after you work out, and practice good hygienic habits.
9. Build healthy relationships
Your partner should never be your whole world.
My close friend told me this right after my breakup.
Because when you make your partner your whole world, not only are you placing all your happiness on 1 person, but you are also putting a lot of pressure on them.
It’s unhealthy.
Your world should be comprised of a whole lot of things:
- Your parents, siblings family
- Your friends
- Your work, your career
- Your hobbies and passions
- Your goals and values
You are so much more than your partner or your relationship.
And just because you have a lot of things to live for, doesn’t mean that you’re going to love your partner any less.
Building healthy and supportive relationships after a breakup is extremely vital for your emotional well-being and attractiveness.
Do this by:
- Making friends and getting out of your comfort zone: Surround yourself with people who uplift you and inspire you. Seek out friends and loved ones who appreciate and encourage your growth
- Engage in good social activities: Make an effort to meet people, this will expand your social circle and provide opportunities for meaningful connections
- Join any club you find on meet up: I joined a book club, improv classes, and coffee meetups, and my main motive was to get out of the house and be among people.
Conclusion
Becoming more attractive after a breakup is a journey.
I certainly didn’t become more attractive overnight.
Each day I moved closer and closer to my goal.
Some days were obviously downers but that was okay – I knew that I needed time to heal.
This is a holistic approach that involves self-care, personal growth, confidence, improving your appearance, and nurturing good relationships.
Again, let me remind you, that your worth isn’t defined by your relationship status, but by the love and value, you give yourself.
When you invest in your well-being and embrace your unique qualities, you’ll radiate an irresistible charm and attractiveness that automatically improve your life.
When my attitude towards dating and men changed overall, I realized that just like me, there were other hurt people in this world who made an attempt to heal and get back on the horse.
I met quite a few nice people and I only ended the dating phase and moved on when I realized we didn’t quite fit.
I finally found a man who checked all the boxes. He was kind, loving, and most of all, we were compatible – we both wanted the same things in life.
I promise the more you focus on yourself and your healing, the more beautiful you’ll actually become.
And this light that you’ll radiate will be so bright, that people won’t help but be drawn to it – like moths to a flame.
Here are a few more posts you’ll find helpful:
- No One Compares to Your Ex: Here’s What You Should Do
- Finding Peace: How to Stop Thinking About Someone Who Hurt You
- How to Give Yourself Grace (When You Feel Low)
- How to Glow Up After a Breakup – Here’s Everything I Did
- How to love yourself as a single person
- The single girl’s bucket list: 35 exciting things to do while single
- 7 Reasons Why Your Ex Blocked You Out of Nowhere + What to Do
- 11 Warm and Comforting Books to Read During Difficult Times
